Der Waschsalon

I've never had such a good time doing my laundry.

Megan and I don't have a washing machine in our apartment, so we have to go down the street to a laundromat. There are two laundromats, actually, that are almost right next to one another. All during September I went to the second one I came to, that is a little bit farther away. It looked a little bit nicer inside...white, clean, and spacious. But today Megan was with me, and when we walked past the first laundromat, she stopped me and asked why we weren't going in.

"Because I always go to the one down the street," I said. "Plus, I don't know how much it costs at this place because they don't have a sign out front."

Pretty soon I had been convinced that it was foolish to walk farther down the street to a different laundromat when there was a perfectly good laundromat right here, if the prices were exactly the same. So we went inside to see how much it cost.

We were confronted with mayhem. People were everywhere. The tiny little washing machines that are so ubiquitous in Germany all looked full, spinning away at their little loads of laundry. I managed to spot the machine where you put in your money, and saw that a load of laundry cost the same as it did down the street. 2.50 Euros. But what to do? I looked around, lost.

Suddenly a German voice cuts through the noise, asking, "Can I help you?"

I turned to see the source. I short little man was approaching, cutting through the crowd. Sporting a brown houndstooth blazer and matching pants, complete with a matching hat, red sideburns, and silk scarf around his neck, this charachter only let me think of one thing. This man was a leprechaun. The leprechaun smiled at me.

It was a somewhat useless question. Megan and I were each carrying a big bag full of laundry slung over our shoulders. We had just walked into a laundromat. This thought, combined with my utter shock at being greeted by a leprechaun, left me nearly speechless. In German, it was even more difficult to form a coherent reply. I said the only word that came to me in that moment: "Waschen?"

"Of course!" the leprechaun said. "You can put half your laundry in this machine here, and the other half in that machine there! 50-50!"

I had a lot of laundry with me. And German laundry machines are tiny. "Do you really think that it will all fit?" I asked.

"Sure, of course!" he said. "Or you can wait a few minutes until this big machine here is finished, and put it all in there!"

So that's what we did. The leprechaun had an adjoining room to the laundry room where he had a little cafe going, and you can sit in there and surf the internet or drink coffee and soda. Megan had her German homework with her, so we sat down and got to work on it.

It was, for the most part, a pleasant wait. The best part was the music. It was all from the 70s and 80s. There seemed to be a theme going on. A leprechaun owns a laundromat built in the 70s with orange washing machines and period music playing in the background.

While we were waiting to put our laundry in and after we had started the laundry, the leprechaun bustled here and there, greeting new customers walking in, serving coffee at the bar, showing people how to work the machines. He never hesitated to remind people that there was something to drink available, "at very good price, at very good price!"

Many of the customers didn't speak German. The leprechaun was trying to communicate in English with them, but it usually came out something like this. Everything the leprechaun says is quick, short, usually partial sentences, and is immediately followed by three short laughs.

One American woman is about to leave the store with her glass Pepsi bottle still half full:
Leprechaun: "Nehmen Sie die Flasche nicht mit! Sie ist Pfand! Recycle! HaHaHa!"
Overwhelmed American: "What? The bottle is for recycling?"
Leprechaun: "Ja, ja, recycle! Sie sollen die Flasche erstmal austrinken! HaHaHa!"

He makes motions to indicate that she should drink the rest of the bottle. The poor woman quickly drinks up the rest of the soda. I think she was a little bit scared of him. I think she would rather have just left the bottle half full, sitting on the table at the laundromat.

An American man is trying to figure out how to put the money into the machine to start his laundry.

Man: "How does this work?"
Leprechaun: "Einfach Münzen einwerfen und Machine wählen!" HaHaHa!
Man: "Uh, OK. Will it give me money back?"
Leprechaun: "Nein! Die nimmt alles! HaHaHa!" The Leprechaun looks at me and winks.
Man: "It won't give me money back?"
Leprechaun: "No! No money back! HaHaHa!" He looks at me and winks, then slaps the American on the back.
Man: Look of complete exhasperation.

In the meantime, while waiting on the laundry to finish, I decided I wanted something to drink. I decided on a Fritzkola. It is cola with lemonade flavor. Weird. But it gave me a chance to talk to the leprechaun.

"One cola, please," I said in German.

"Oh! You speak German! And here this whole time I've been trying to speak to you in English! My English is so terrible! HaHaHa!" he responded. Which was a funny thing to say, because when I first walked in, we spoke in German, and he asked me if I was from Holland because of my accent. That's when I also told him that I am an American.

I told him that I was an English teaching assistant at a high school in Berlin. He suggested that I could teach him English, and asked me how much I charge. 12 Euro an hour. The leprechaun decided he didn't have time. Somehow during this discussion we switched from using the formal "Sie" form of address to the informal "du".

I asked him where he grew up, thinking that maybe he grew up in East Germany and therefore didn't have the chance to learn English in school. Nope, he grew up in Cologne. Very much in Western Germany.

"Didn't you learn English in school, then?" I asked him.

"No! HaHaHa! I always slept! HaHaHa!"

When the laundry was done in the washer, he came over and asked if we wanted to dry it, too. I said no, we would hang it out to dry when we got home. Save money.

"Save, save, save! Always save! HaHaHa!" the leprechaun said. "People always come here and want to save! I have people who come here and don't even wash their clothes. They just get them wet! HaHaHa! They don't use detergent!"

"This man here, though, he does his laundry right! HaHaHa!" the leprechaun said, pointing to another customer who was standing by a dryer. "He always dries his laundry too! He's my friend! HaHaHa!"

"Couldn't you just do that at home and save even more?" I said. "Just put them in the bathtub and turn on the water!"

"Aye! You could do that! HaHaHa!" The leprechaun slapped me on the back.

The leprechaun convinced me to "schleunigen" my wet laundry. What is that? I wanted to know.

"The machine spins all very fast! 3000 revolutions per minute! HaHaHa! It will hang dry even faster! HaHaHa!"

When we were getting ready to go and I was putting the last of the laundry in the bag from the Schleuniger, I asked Megan to go pick up her homework off the table so we could leave. She came back carrying a half empty bottle of soda and wore a frightened look on her face. The leprechaun was following her, saying, "Recycle! Pfand, Pfand! Die musst du erst austrinken! HaHaHa!" He asked me how to say 'Pfand' in English.

"Deposit," I said. "There is a deposit on the bottle, and he needs the bottle back in order to get the Pfand back. So he wants us to drink it up before we go."

"Deposit, deposit! HaHaHa!" the leprechaun said.

I'm going back next week.

Lachs vs. Seelachs

My wife arrived a week ago in Berlin. It has been so nice to be together all this week. Megan just somehow makes everything happier.

So I wanted to have some things ready when she got here that she really likes. One thing I like to do for Megan is cook for her. And one of her favorite meals is salmon cooked with basil pesto spread over the top.

So, last week I am in the grocery store getting the ingredients I would need am I'm looking at the frozen fish. Salmon is called "Lachs" in German. There seem to be several different varieties available. Being on a limited Fulbright budget, I naturally look for the cheapest variety. After a minute's overview of the options, it looks like "Seelachsfilet" is going to be the cheapest kind. 2.99 Euros. Now, you may be saying, where is the salmon? But in German, "See" means sea. So I'm thinking, Seelachs must simply be salmon caught in the ocean, rather than salmon bred on a farm or something.

Today, I was in for a surprise. We pulled the salmon out of the freezer and I opened the box and put the salmon onto a tray to put in the oven. Megan says, that salmon looks pretty gray for salmon. Well, that's what it is though! I answer her. Maybe it'll get pinker in the oven. So in the oven it goes.

Hmmm. 15 minutes later, the fish looks even whiter! I pull it out and put it on our plates. Megan looks pretty suspicious. She hesitates to take the first bite.

"I'll take the first bite," I say. I pull off a piece of fish and start chewing. It's not bad. But it doesnt' really seem like salmon.

Megan starts eating and knows that it isn't salmon.

"But that's what the box says!" I tell her. "'Lachs' means 'salmon!' That's what it says on the box!" I take another bite. It definitely isn't salmon. It's white, it's chewier, it's not really flakey enough, and it just doesn't have enough flavor! In fact, it's kind of flavorless.

I'm losing my confidence. "Well, maybe they made a mistake. Maybe they accidentally got the wrong fish in the box," I say. I take another bite. Definitely not salmon. Get the wrong fish in the box? C'mon. I'm losing my confidence. "Maybe I better go get the dictionary. I'll look it up. Maybe I'm out of my mind and Lachs really doesn't mean salmon."

I look up salmon. Lachs. "Well, that's good," I think. "I didn't remember wrong." Then I figure just to be sure, I'll look up Seelachs. Pollack. Pollack? What the heck kind of a fish is that?